I will probably turn older soon, if I survive to see that day. In the last few days, however hard I have tried to rethink my last few years, I’ve encountered either shameful memories or delightful moments that have shaped me up.
If I am to continue like this, the end result would probably be another year as a confused person with issues of self-doubt plaguing every action I take or every potential friendship I forge.
Talking to a friend a few hours back, we travelled through the last seven years – the education, the disappointments, the possibilities and the links. I am still the same in many ways but somehow more real – I love the way the language felt, but along the way either I failed it or it left me. I never had strong emotions within me and they have been loaded with the drug of laziness, which has made me more of a drifter and probably, an unemotional person.
But being what I am, I am looking forward to this. Being myself – even though I dislike it. I think people cannot change and I hope that to some extent it is true for me. I am still that person who loves to read books and watch films, still the same person who loves the physical over the emotional, and the same person who is amoral than immoral.
So is there a way for me to still be the same but change without my knowing? Is there a way for me to like it and dislike it?
If I could only be a distant observer who could feel what I feel while I write this, perhaps.
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